Praying to Fall in Love {A Guest Post by @MamaDweeb}

by Christine - From Dates to Diapers on July 25, 2011

Annie lives in the Kansas woods with her husband and three very young children. She adores writing and sharing her heart with her friends through her posts on MamaDweeb.com. She writes about blogging basics, personal posts and shares her newfound interest in photography. You can chat with her on twitter @MamaDweeb.

Life was beyond busy and full last April. My 3 year-old daughter was growing her independence and my baby boy was about to turn a year old. I hugged his squishy body, still full of baby fat, happy with my young family.

Then I peed on a stick. My serenity turned to anxiety.

I prayed and prayed for a miscarriage. I do not believe in abortion, so I cried out to God. I cried telling him my heart.

“How can I do this? If I have a miscarriage I will not be sad. I will be relieved. Dear Lord, how can I handle this? Three babies?”

Then, I waited. I did not tell anyone except a few very close friends. I kept hoping it was a mistake. When the 10th week passed and I knew the baby was growing, I began to change my prayers.

“Dearest Lord, you have chosen to bless me. I am going to go insane though! Please change my heart. Help me to love this baby. Give me a heart of love for him or her and even more, give me the sanity and strength to handle three young children so close together! Don’t let me go crazy and abuse my children due to exhaustion and overwhelming thoughts.”

I prayed this nightly. I was scared. Already stretched to my maximum mental limits, how would I react when I was out numbered? I kept praying for God to change my heart, to calm my fears. To help me want this new life.

And he did. I began to buy things for her. I named her Lucy and purchased a personalized coming home outfit. I spent more money on her than I did on any of my other kids. I bought her hair bows and new clothes. I spoke about her with her older sister Lizzie. I even started to work on coming to peace with a 3rd c-section.

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After surgery, she nursed. Her beautiful face melted my heart. I became lost in her blue eyes and skinny little fingers. By breastfeeding and babywearing, I began to bond closer and closer with my baby girl. The one I didn’t know I wanted.

It is unreal how much she is loved today. I run my finger over her delicious fat rolls and she giggles from deep within her flubby belly. Her fat cheeks rise in a laugh and a sparkle pops from her jewel-blue eyes. I kiss her over and over throughout the day. My baby girl, my Lucy Goosey! I adore my baby girl!

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I know how real it was when I did not want her. I know how much it took for me to pray that God would change my heart. Now, I can not imagine life without her! She is my giggly-sunshine of fatness. I love my chubby girl and Praise the Lord for breaking my heart that day in April when I read the double lines.

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Cat Davis July 25, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Annie, I knew too well exactly those same feelings when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child. But somehow, we not only get through it, we learn to embrace and love our new lives.
Cat Davis´s last blog post ..The Most Memorable S’mores Face { #Smores Giveaway }

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Annie @ Mama Dweeb July 25, 2011 at 8:01 pm

YES!! “We learn to embrace and love our new lives” – we sure do! I adore her and I actually enjoy (most of the time) having my kids all about the same age. Thank you for the encouraging words Cat!
Annie @ Mama Dweeb´s last blog post ..Before & After: Extreme Celebrity Hair Cuts

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Linsey Knerl July 26, 2011 at 2:56 pm

What a wonderful post! Thanks for being so honest. It’s refreshing to hear other moms admit to being less than enthused for their new babies. Can’t wait to see you at BlogHer!
Linsey Knerl´s last blog post ..1099 Top 10: The Value of Your DooHickey

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Annie @ Mama Dweeb July 27, 2011 at 12:35 am

Thank you Linsey! I cannot wait to see you too, in a little over a week no less!

Many moms are scared to admit those first feelings of panic and fear. I hope this post reaches them and comforts them – reassures them that there is hope on the other side!
Annie @ Mama Dweeb´s last blog post ..Casseroles from the 1950s – Beef and Noodle Casserole #recipe

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Kasey@AllThingsMamma July 26, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Thank you for sharing such a personal post, Annie. I am sure there are many moms in your situation. What I find the most inspiring, is your faith in God. The fact that you prayed to God to help change your heart…and he did. God is good!
Kasey@AllThingsMamma´s last blog post ..Candy Bar Cookies

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Annie @ Mama Dweeb July 27, 2011 at 12:38 am

Yes!! God is good ALL the TIME :) I believe firmly that Gods foolishness is wiser than man’s wisdom. He could see the other side when I could not. Praise the Lord he did change my heart – if he did not, and if I did not allow him to, I’d be missing out on some serious baby loving right now. Lucy really is AMAZING
Annie @ Mama Dweeb´s last blog post ..Casseroles from the 1950s – Beef and Noodle Casserole #recipe

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Krista July 26, 2011 at 7:53 pm

You know, I felt this way when I found out I was pregnant in 2009. It wrecked my plans to get Lasik surgery and I was unhappy. But then I thought, well, we wanted a second child anyway so I guess this is it.
Then at 7 weeks I miscarried. I carried guilt from that for a very long time.

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Annie @ Mama Dweeb July 27, 2011 at 12:41 am

Oh Krista!! That breaks my heart. Did you ever heal from it? I’d love to hear your story of how you came from such a place to where you could forgive yourself. Even though there is no way you were responsible for what happened, I know you must have felt like you were. There are things in my life I still have a hard time forgiving myself for. Thank you for sharing your story here.
Annie @ Mama Dweeb´s last blog post ..Casseroles from the 1950s – Beef and Noodle Casserole #recipe

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Krista July 27, 2011 at 2:50 am

Well, the “rest of the story” is that I got pregnant again the very next month. And now I have a 16 month old firecracker son.
I think when he was about 2 months old and started smiling at me, I really fell in love with him and knew that he wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t lost the other one.

I’ve come to realize in an almost twisted way, that Lasik is not for me and this was quite literally the only way that God could get my attention. I almost think the miscarriage was confirmation of that.
So I guess if there’s anything to feel guilty about now it’s that I was so determined to do something that wasn’t right for me that I wasn’t listening and that caused me pain as well as others around me.

Sometimes I wonder who that baby would have been. And if I’ll ever get to meet him or her. Along with another one I lost very early on in February before that.

I don’t think of it too much anymore unless something makes me think about it.
Krista´s last blog post ..Blueberry Heaven

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Annie July 27, 2011 at 2:55 am

Thank you krista! that story touched my heart. I am so glad God blessed you with such a strong boy, who is so full of life and fills your heart with joy!

It amazes me how God can take such difficult circumstances and makes us better people through them. And now you have an experience that can help other moms who have gone through the same kind of miscarriage. You can say what no one else can – “I’ve been there.”
Annie´s last blog post ..Pretty red cap you have there!

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Elizabeth July 26, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Thanks for sharing such a sweet story. I can’t say I understand because I’ve never had that feeling. But I can rejoice with you in the changing of your heart toward your baby. I was at a baby shower over the weekend and the mother found out that the baby was not the gender that she was hoping for. It was heartbreaking to see her tears as she was noticeably shaken. I’ve found that God works in the unexpected things in life. And I pray that as Lucy grows she will know how much of a blessing she’s been to you and you to her as well.
Elizabeth´s last blog post ..Book Review: When Sparrows Fall

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Annie @ Mama Dweeb July 27, 2011 at 1:02 am

It is amazing how life changing babies are. I can totally relate to your friend. But I betcha she loves that darling baby more than she ever knew was possible. Her story reminds me of a country song by Carrie Underwood “All American Girl.” LOL
Annie @ Mama Dweeb´s last blog post ..Casseroles from the 1950s – Beef and Noodle Casserole #recipe

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Clark Minn July 26, 2011 at 8:25 pm

This is very inspiring post!!!I was really touched…I can’t wait to read your next post here…
Clark Minn´s last blog post ..How to Prevent Unhealthy Weight Gain During Pregnancy

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Kimberly July 27, 2011 at 4:37 pm

It’s touching to hear how things changed for you and now you have the beautiful Lucy in your life. As moms, sometimes people can forget we are human too with fears and hopes and dreams. Thank you for sharing your story.
Kimberly´s last blog post ..21 Ways to Date at Home When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

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carly July 30, 2011 at 1:40 am

That’s a touching story. I’m only an aunt right now but whenever I see babies I wonder how anyone could not absolutely love them. BTW, your baby is adorable! My youngest niece used to look like the Michelin Man. :)
carly´s last blog post ..My Irvine dentist

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Ron August 8, 2011 at 10:32 am

You are very blessed and I think that God give you this beautiful baby for you to love. Everything in life has its own purpose and that’s why God has given you the chance to be the mother of this baby. God is very good always and he never allow us to become miserable.
Ron´s last blog post ..Alcohol Can Causes Man Boobs?

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Angela August 23, 2011 at 4:22 am

I love this post especially the prayer you have for the baby…So cute!!
Angela´s last blog post ..Easy Muscle Building Diet

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Emily August 31, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Love the prayer and I want top apply and try it too…
Emily´s last blog post ..Several at Home Hair Removal Methods

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Michael September 5, 2011 at 2:35 am

Praying is one of the ways we can do to be a successful person…
Michael´s last blog post ..Best Computer for Photo Editing

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