Identity Theft

Breanna responded to an open call for guest bloggers, and I am so glad she did! How many of us moms struggle with our identity? I know I do at times, and I’m sure you can relate to her struggle, as did I. Remember, though, we can only find true identity in Christ Jesus!

Breanna’s a first time mom with a one year old. You can read about how her life has been flipped upside down at www.glimpsesofgrace.blogspot.com

I have always, always known where I was going in life and how I’d get there. I am what many would call an overachiever, a perfectionist. Okay, fine, a control freak. I never struggled to understand or define myself. In fact, I found comfort and confidence in the labels I wore.

Let me tell you who I was. Woman, singer, writer, public speaker, behavioral specialist, friend, girlfriend/wife (not at the same time, mind you), encourager, frequent Starbucks-er, interpreter, intellect, scholar, ACCOMPLISHED.

I loved it when people would ask, “So, what do you do?” I had an answer, and an impressive one at that. I had it all worked out; the next ten years were spelled out, color coded and in stone.

Then, countless doctors and innumerable tests were proven wrong when God placed a speck of a human in my belly. EVERYTHING changed.

I went through my pregnancy like I had everything else in life; read until there were no books or websites left to read, planned, prepared, scheduled, structured and organized. (don’t worry, I also thoroughly enjoyed it, pregnant glow and all.) Even the early days following my daughter’s birth one year ago were right on schedule. But it wasn’t long before it all fell apart. Over the last year, I’ve gone from successful, respected working woman to a stay at home mom with messy hair. I waved goodbye to my paycheck, and with it my modest but comfortable lifestyle. Instead of walking into my office and being needed and revered, I walked into the NICU and cried for hours, completely helpless to “fix” my own baby. Cute high heels and trendy make up were pushed aside for sweats, sneakers and ponytails. Eventually the hospital was no longer a daily part of our lives. But that gave way to the isolation that often accompanies parents who stay at home.

Needless to say, identity crisis ensued. I no longer have any label other than “mommy” to cling to. I don’t get to wear fancy clothes and go on business trips. I don’t get to comfort myself after a bad day with a trip to the mall. Heck, I don’t even get to eat a hot meal. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of my choices to stay at home with my daughter, but I certainly don’t enjoy the way people tend to respond when I answer the “what do you do” question these days. I’ve read all those silly articles about the “true value” of a SAHM…how the work we do is worth over $100k. That’s of little help when we’re struggling to buy diapers.

I know what you’re expecting, some revelation and resolve to end the story, right? Me too…I’ve been waiting for that light bulb to switch on for a while now. Sorry to tell you, dear reader, but I’m still trying to figure out who this new me is. I’m always asking myself, “But what does it mean to be a mother?” I’m searching for new labels that feel a little more important than “diaper changer” and “floor scrubber.” I’m honored to be my daughter’s mother, I truly am. I wouldn’t trade the last year for a shopping spree at Nordstrom or a Nobel Prize. I just wonder when the new “normal” will set in; when I’ll understand myself again.

When I’ll be content to just be me.

Ponytail, sweatpants, makeup-free me.

For more from Breanna, visit her at Glimpses of Grace, where she blogs about life with her adorable daughter.