Our kiddos have made lots of friends in the past few days, now that school is out. My kids and these new friends of theirs would probably have been in the same classes throughout the school year. We would be no strangers to the mean kids in our neighborhood, because these neighborhood bullies would have also been in the same classes.
Just across the street lives an only child. This kid is the same age as my twins, but is twice their size. Ray and I saw him come after Noah with a stick, push Josh off his bike in the street, pound on Zach’s back with fisted hands, flip my daughter the bird, and call my kiddos much worse than anything I choose to post here, all in a matter of days. My kiddos have been accused of ganging up on this kid and I’ve been asked to keep my kids away from him. No joke.
My kids aren’t perfect. In fact, I am aware that my kids certainly know how to antagonize others and often they egg these bullies on themselves. While this is not okay and we are dealing with it, the name calling and physical bullying is inexcusable.
I wish I could say only the neighbor kids are at risk of being labeled bullies, but the parents of these mean kids are calling my kids all kinds of things, and instigating this behavior in their kids as they sit by and laugh. It’s true that bullies breed bullies.
While it is certainly difficult to do, my kiddos have always been taught to treat others the way they want to be treated, and not to antagonize others. Sometimes there is just nothing the good kids can do to prevent the bullies from picking on them, but as parents we need to make sure that our kids don’t let the mean kids (or their parents) ruffle their feathers to the point that they lash out or fight back. Turning the other cheek may just mean walking away and not taking the name calling to heart.
We have explained to our kiddos that they don’t need to be friends with the mean kids, but have asked them to continue to show them kindness. Bullies most often lash out when they feel insecure or left out. Even though it’s hard to do, we’ve asked them to try not to get angry or upset and not to give the mean kids reason to be mean or call them names. When our kiddos are called names, however, we’ve asked them to ignore the name calling and not reciprocate. To avoid being bullied, our kiddos have been instructed not to leave anyone out intentionally or speak ill of them. And, of course, they are not to gloat or boast about any thing.
Have you and your kiddos had to deal with bullies? How did you handle the situation?
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This is a tough situation to deal with. Especially since it’s so close to home. I don’t really have any advice. Just wanted you to know that I totally empathize with you because my 1st grade son has dealt with this on the school bus a couple of times throughout the year. I know that my husband’s advice to him isn’t really everyone’s point of view, but sometimes it’s the only way to ward off the bullies. He always tells my son that it’s never okay for him to start a fight, but he should finish it. The bullies are always looking for the vulnerable kids. Good luck with your situation. Keep us posted. I’m always seeking advice in this area as well.
Ugh, not a good situation. We kind of had something like that-neighbor “friend” talking badly about my son behind his back and it getting back to my son. My son confronted the friend and they text-message it out over a few days. I was so happy to be homeschooling, I was able to guide my son through the conversations, teaching him all the ways the friend was trying to pull him into an argument, manipulate the conversation, make you feel sorry for the aggressor etc. I was so thankful for my son not to be in public school where there probably would have been a face to face confrontation which could have led to more serious confrontation. I’ll post a link below but it’s pretty much a longer version of what I said here.
It sounds like you’re handling it as well as you can. The parent joining in is just sad and tragic, I pity her children. What an angry example to grow up with. Sounds like she’s jealous or intimidated. Good Luck!
http://crispy-not-crunchy.blogspot.com/2009/03/lesson-on-friendship.html
I applaud you for being sooo involved in the first place! So many kids have to deal with things on their own… and it leaves me wondering… what do those poor kids even have parents for?!? Good for you… trying to teach your children the right way to handle problems. It’s a shame your neighbors are egging their children on and missing a chance to teach them good ways to interact. Keep encouraging the kids and giving them uplifting things to do… so they can feel good about themselves. When kids are healthy and confident, harsh words and insults will roll off their backs a little easier. Always be there for them… they need you, even if they don’t say so!
We have had the bully discussion once in awhile. Luckily, there doesn’t seem to be a problem at Noah’s school so far, but I have been discussing what it means to a bully with Noah so he doesn’t bully his younger brother. I have been trying to explain to him that anytime he does something just to make himself feel better than another person, it is considered bullying. I am not sure how much I’m getting through to him right now, but I guess we’ll see as he gets older.
Are there other neighbors your children could play with? It sounds like the only child has issues with anger. Good call to stay away from him. Do you know why the boy is so jealous of your kids? Perhaps he wants to have the relationship with a sibling that your kids have? You know a person who is always there for you.
Bullies always strike when parents aren’t looking: the school bus, lunch line at school, recess playground. At school kids can tell a guidance counsellor. Could you or another neighbor mom take turns hanging around outside while all the kids play. Perhaps bully would be less likely to cause trouble if adults were watching.
bullying at school was one of the reasons we pulled our sons out of public school two years ago. and i absolutely agree that many if not most bullies have parents who model and encourage the behavior. sigh.
we, too, have encouraged our children to treat others kindly and to follow the example of christ; they also know that although we don’t encourage tattling, when someone is being hurtful it is okay to go get an adult. we also ask our kids to play together in groups and not by themselves, as a “loner” often gets singled out by the bully. thankfully, we have had little problem with this since pulling them out of public school–our neighborhood kids are very sweet and it hasn’t been a problem with the church kids.
as a mom it is so discouraging to see your kids being bullied, especially when you know that even if the bully’s parents know about it, they won’t do anything to stop their child and will probably just encourage them in their abusive behavior. i’m glad that you are talking about this.
How awful for your kids (and for you!!). My daughter is extremely friendly and is always flat out asking other kids to be her friend. She gets the widest range of responses – everything from “Sure!” to a look that is of pure bewilderment. But bless her heart, she just keeps trying. It’s so hard to watch her get made fun of when she does this and we try to explain that regardless of what the other kid does, she should always treat them kindly. If she’s being hurt, she needs to tell an adult immediately. So far, so good. Good luck with your predicament!
I know this is something I’ll have to deal with eventually, but thankfully so far I have not had to deal with bullies and my kids-Little Dude is almost 3-but I know it’s coming, and I do dread having to deal with it. I’m so sorry your kids are going through that.
Cristine, I am so disappointed to read what you have written about my family on your blog. Please remember that there are two sides to every story. My son does not exist in a vacuum. He is not a mean child. He is a sweet, sensitive, caring child. Because he is so sensitive, it’s easy for the other children to provoke him. I’ve seen and heard your kids take shots at my kid, too. They’re children. They get over it and move on. But for you to say my husband and I are “instigating this behavior . . . as [we] sit by and laugh” is very, very hurtful and just flat out not true. I know I’ve had angry words with you when I’ve been at the end of my rope and tired of hearing my only child say the other kids are mean to him. I dry tears, too (many of my own as I write this). Where’s the Christian compassion and understanding here? For you to write these lies for everyone to read about my family is extemely hurtful.
After receiving the comment from Debbie, I emailed her the following ::
She then replied that she was upset that I wasn’t allowing her to share her side, so I decided to go ahead and publish the comment.
Not exactly sure how I feel about showing said bully “kindness”. “You Give What You Get” is a predominant saying here at my house… But I do agree that most bullies are provoked simply by feeling left out. That feeling has a name where I’m from – It’s called being a “hater”. A hater is generally jealous of a person’s success or achievements. This jealousy often makes them verbally nit-pick any flaws no matter how small or just make up flaws in order to somehow try and belittle that person. If this is explained to a child, I believe things may be placed into perspective, and the child will feel less “attacked” and more pity. That feeling of pity will often make children WANT to include the bully in play.
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